Especially when you are trying to create a new identity for yourself and move from acting with a sex addiction brain to becoming a loving companion. So how you can understand sexual compulsion and help yourself get over sexual addiction? We explore here and invite your questions about sexual addiction at the end.

Why is it so hard to stop acting out sexually?

Stopping, really stopping, a sexual compulsive behavior or addiction presents a major challenge. Some of us can actually stop or at least curb our behavior but we never really feel out of the woods. We continue to feel that we are prone to relapsing. Intellectually we may know that the bad choices we might make are harmful, even wrong, yet we still know that if we get to a certain tipping point, all logic or maturity might just fall away. But why is that we just can’t seem to really let go of our acting our behaviors – “our inner addict” — at least not all the way? Why we can’t stop looking at women, can’t stop feeling addicted to porn, can’t stop contacting sex workers…is because sex has become a security blanket.

Letting go of the inner sex addict

How do you let go and finally break up with “your addict”? Many people who struggle with sexual compulsive behavior look at their struggle as a sort of Jekyll and Hyde or good versus evil battle. If you are a person who grapples with a sex or porn addiction, have you ever considered that your acting out behavior is something, some aspect of you that you actually rely on? It can be helpful to check out the ways the use of porn or sex works for you. How does this behavior, your addict, attempt to help you cope with your problems?

Your identity as a sex addict: friend or foe?

It is possible to begin to look at your addict as a friend, not a foe. I believe we often overlook the emotional relationship or dependency we have on sex or porn. It’s like that favorite toy or activity that we used to use to feel comforted, to feel safe. I often conjure up an image of Charles Schulz’s Peanuts character, Linus, and his attachment to his ever-dependable blanket … the quintessential comfort object. These items—teddy bears, blankets, a favorite toy, for example—provide familiarity, and safety during trying times. As children and adolescents, we may have used comfort objects to soothe, to cope, to feel better when we experienced hard feelings. They helped us bridge the gap as we matured through the stages of our human development.

If you’re struggling with sex addiction, might porn or addictive behavior be working like a security blanket? Think of how long you have actually had your behavior around. Perhaps at first maybe it was just fantasy and masturbation. Eventually you progressed to more frequent and/or severe behavior. Your comforting behavior, your addict, has likely traveled with you for most of your life. Maybe you relied on porn for many reasons—like when you were bored, lonely, angry, etc. to self-soothe. In this sense, the addict is like an old friend that provides familiarity and (short-lived) comfort. But, is this addict part of you a friend who really has your best interests in mind?

How to change the relationship with yourself

If it is hard to break up with your addict, how about growing him up instead? How can you go about changing the nature of this relationship? Can you see what your addict is trying to accomplish and then find other ways to cope rather than acting out sexually?

Here are some questions to examine to help you do that:

• How long has your addict been around? At what age did you start acting out?
• How does your addict help you? What do you get out of acting out sexually?
• What would it be like to stop? Can you see a life without acting out? Have you experienced that already and what was it like?

Understanding this concept can be an important step in actually changing your behavior. Examining why you act out, the relationship you have with your sexual behavior, will begin to tell you how and why you rely on your addiction. Then you have a chance of either breaking up with the addict part of you — or helping that aspect of you to mature, helping that part find ways to find comfort and safety that are not detrimental.

“The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love.”  Margaret Atwood

There seems to be a cliche in our culture that every sex addict is a cold hearted sociopath devoid of caring. The truth is that sex addicts report a wide range of complex emotions, but typically haven’t learned a healthy relational model for appropriately expressing and regulating their emotions. And although, the capacity for emotional attachment is a key consideration in treating any sex addiction, what is love in the first place?

As it is, love is a most mysterious feeling. It is often interchanged with more technically specific feelings of longing, preoccupation, attraction, affinity, appreciation, validation, comfort, commitment, and security. When we speak of love, it is very easy to get lost among assumptions and projections. This is because, perhaps more than any other emotion, love means something different to everyone. Love will even mean something different to the same person at different times.

Even non-addicts may occasionally find themselves questioning the nature, reality, and consequence of love in their lives. Such confusion might be traced to conflicting information that is perpetuated about sex and love around the world. We don’t have to look very far to find strange and distorted concepts about the true nature of sex and love in any culture.

Sex addicts and expressions of love

Often sex addicts first get into treatment to save a relationship (sex addiction and marriage are rarely compatible). In treatment, sex addicts who relate with any of the 10 types of sex addiction do report feelings of love. While it might seem that the reasons for cheating are to get out of a relationship, most sex addicts I’ve met do not want to get out of their primary relationship. They express genuine love for their partner, whatever that looks like.

At the same time, sex addicts will sometimes express momentary feelings of love for prostitutes and other acting out partners. Contrary to all these feelings, there can be a complete avoidance of love in any relationship. This raises many questions, with no easy answers. How can the sex addict feel love and yet show such lack of caring through their actions? Are sex addicts deceptive or truthful when they say they love?

A sex addict typically sexualizes situations and tries to manipulate outcomes. The sex addict brain will use people, places and things to escape reality. This is not an honest and transparent way to interact. Some addicts might even think they’re being honest, might think they love, but they might be in denial and might not actually know that they’re being deceptive. Others might experience a clear awareness that they are being deceptive when proclaiming their love, but they too might be in denial and might be avoiding true feelings of love.

An addict is emotionally unavailable

If there is one trait that applies to all sex addicts, and all types of addicts, it is emotional unavailability. What does this mean?

All addictions serve to numb overwhelming feelings of stress and trauma through substance abuse. In the case of sex addiction, addicts will compulsively substitute pornography, prostitutes, binge sex, stalking, obsessing for appropriate feeling and relating. Feeling and relating are two aspects of intimacy. In fact, sex addiction is often referred to as an intimacy disorder. Intimacy is related to the verb “to intimate”: to make known. Sex addicts are usually incapable of making themselves truly known as they often lack the tools for healthy self-knowledge. Why?

Most addicts have suffered trauma – either in childhood through early neglect or abuse, or later on in life through a pivotal traumatic event. When such events have not healed, we refer to this as unprocessed trauma. It’s possible that the love experienced between an addict and co-addict might more aptly be described as a form of trauma bonding.

Early childhood attachment patterns

There are four basic attachment patterns that are imprinted during infancy. These are secure, insecure-ambivalent, insecure-avoidant and disorganized/disoriented. Secure attachment is established when the primary caretaker is able to relate appropriately with the child by sharing love and affection, responding to the child’s needs in a timely manner, setting healthy boundaries that support the psychological growth of the child, and repairing any disruptions to these interactions. Repairing is one of the most important stages for secure attachment and will impart a healthy model for how to repair difficulties in any relationship with tools for handling stress and trauma.

Without a significant psychological event establishing a new pattern, these four infancy attachment patterns will develop into the following four adult attachment patterns:

1. Secure Attachment – A relational pattern typified by the capacity for healthy intimacy.
2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment – A relational pattern typified by a general need for enmeshment at the expense of intimacy.
3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment – A relational pattern typified by a general need for independence at the expense of intimacy.
4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment – A relational pattern typified by a general need for self-protection at the expense of intimacy.

Secure attachment and intimacy is possible

Through therapeutic treatment and/or recovery in support groups and 12-Step programs, sex addicts learn new patterns of secure attachment implicitly modeled for them by therapists, support groups, and sponsors. In therapy, this is called Empathic Attunement, the capacity to connect, resonate and calibrate with a client’s state of being for the purpose of developing relational intimacy as a continuous and dynamic process.

Creating secure patterns of attachment is a slow process that actually changes the neural pathways of the sex addict’s brain that were established over a lifetime. To use a simile, it is like re-routing a nation’s transport infrastructure to reach a remote island – and the remote island is healthy love. Healthy love is a place that is not accessible to the sex addict, but it resides inside all of us. With the help of a higher power (higher than the sex addict’s own overpowering addiction – be it therapist, support group, or sponsor,) the sex addict can develop reliable tools to locate and develop true healthy love.

Questions about sex addiction and love

Do you have questions about sex addiction and love? Do you want to bring some light to your own personal experience as a sex addict? Please leave your questions, comments and feedback here. We do our best to respond to all comments with a personal and prompt reply ASAP.

But when sex starts to preoccupy your thoughts, gets in the way of intimacy with your partner, or affects your work and finances, your libido has become problematic. So can we map different kinds of sex addiction in the brain? And what treatments are possible that can help sex addicts control sexual compulsions? We examine here, and invite your feedback, comments and questions at the end.

How can sex be addictive?

Although experts still do not agree on what to call sex addiction, it does seem clear that some people (a majority of whom are men) have difficultly controlling their sexual responses. In these people, it seems that certain chemical are released in the brain during and just after sexual release which alter mood. Just like a drug, these endorphins stimulate pleasure centers in the human brain and can be addictive. This means that repeated sexual behaviors trigger chemical exposure which can alter brain chemistry to the point that more of the chemical is “required” in order to feel “normal.” Thus, a sex addict continues his cycle of seeking, engaging in and never feeling satisfied with sex.

Causes of sex addiction in the brain

At the moment, no single biological cause is thought to cause sexually compulsive behaviors. Little scientific evidence exists among people diagnosed with sexual compulsion, including brain imaging studies or neurotransmitter studies.  In fact, sex addiction is not as well understood as drug use and brain changes.  However, preliminary findings suggest that:

1. Damage to the frontal lobe of the brain may trigger the expression of dis-inhibited behaviors, which could partially explain the increased sexual activity along with decreased control among people with neurological conditions that involve temporal lobes and mid brain areas (seizure disorders, Huntington’s disease, dementia, etc.)

2. Cases of hyper sexual behavior have been noted among people who are on stimulants which increase the amount of serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine in the brain.

3. It is possible that regions of reward and pleasure in the brain are affected by sex hormones and facilitate or enhance the response to sex and the desire for sex in sex addicts.

Overriding the sex response

As outlined in the new book A COUPLE’S GUIDE TO SEXUAL ADDICTION: A Step by Step Plan to Rebuild Trust & Restore Intimacy, it is possible to override the instinct we have to seek pleasure. In fact, it is the power of the reasoning brain that can help sex addicts stop acting out sexually and control impulses. The authors recommend understanding biological influences to start to control urges and impulses. Then, you can choose attachment, bonding and commitment as alternative expressions of sexuality and start to live in reality instead of a fantasy world.

How do you do this?

Through lots of practice, self-growth, and guidance a certified counselor who specializing in treating sexually compulsive behavior. Often, sexually compulsive behaviors have roots in our family of origin, as we learn as children through the modeling of our parents. Recovery from sexual addiction includes uncovering the feelings, thoughts and beliefs of the past and replacing them with more healthy ones. Knowing that you are lovable helps you rebuild trust, control and self-esteem that is necessary in recovery from sexual addiction. But you need to be willing to do the work.

Sexual addiction and the brain questions

Do you still have questions about sex addiction and the brain? Do you think that you or your partner is a sex addict and want to learn more? Please leave us your questions or comments below. We try our best to respond to all queries with a personal response, or refer you to experts who can help.

Reference Sources: PubMed: Preliminary investigation of the impulsive and neuroanatomical characteristics of compulsive sexual behavior
PubMed: Understanding and Managing Compulsive Sexual Behaviors
A Couple’s Guide to Sex Addiction: A step-by-step plan to rebuild trust (2012)

We’ve all seen “that” guy. Maybe you are that guy. The one who rubbernecks while driving to look at an attractive woman. The guy who routinely cranes his neck in the restaurant to follow somebody’s form as they make their way to their seat or to the exit. Men are visually-based creatures and respond to what they see more strongly than women. But, can looking be considered a compulsive behavior — one that could be associated with a type of sexual addiction?

It depends.

So how can you stop fantasising or objectifying and start to look at women with a more healthy eye?  We explore here.

The Traits of the “Looker”

When we work with clients who struggle with a porn or sex addiction, a common trait is an overactive “looker.” We make the distinction between just noticing somebody and actually looking in a fixated kind of way. For an addict, looking takes on more of an obsessive energy that feels like it is almost impossible not to look. Someone dealing with sex addiction tends to objectify the person (or people) they are looking at and view them as a collection of body parts (“Wow. Would you look at ‘that’?”)

Lookers think that they may possess what we call “x-ray vision,” a fictional belief that they can actually see what is under women’s clothing! Our clients notice during these times that they stare the longest and fall more deeply into a trance. Often times they are not even aware that they are staring at somebody. Wives or partners of the sexually addicted person often complain about this looking behavior — and how they feel it reflects on them.

How To Work With the Overactive “Looker”

Like most problems, you can’t change anything unless you are first aware that there is indeed a problem. When we work with men with sexually addictive behavior or husband sex addicts, we examine this looking element as part of the compulsive behavior. Men who struggle with a porn addiction, for example, may obsessively look at women as a form of foreplay, a way to “research” so that they can later find a picture, movie, or a Webcam girl who resembles that person. They essentially use looking as a tool to further their compulsive behavior.

A few simple interventions we employ with clients reveal the myth of X-Ray Vision, and give the person who they are objectifying a story, some humanity. These interventions include: “The Two-Second Rule”, “Other Women’s Body Parts Aren’t My Business” and “She is a Person”

The Two-Second Rule

A simple intervention to start to control compulsive looking at women is to use a two-second rule. This is essentially a self-monitoring tool to establish some control and boundaries around the looking. If this sounds awfully close to something you would do with a child — to set limits on computer use, watching television, etc. — you’re right, it is. This behavior is young and regressive. Most avid adult lookers have been doing so since childhood. When a person notices that he is indeed looking too much, he then gives himself “permission” to look one time and one time only, but only up to two seconds. The idea is if you are aware enough to slap a limit on the looking, then you are aware that you are crossing the line.

Other Women’s Body Parts Are Not My Business

Reminding our clients the body parts of women they do not know or are not involved with are none of their business presents another valuable reflection. Men reveal that they often feel obligated to look, as if it’s a job, or they worry that they will miss out on something. A simple reminder, or mantra, is to remind yourself that a woman with whom you are not intimately involved is none of your business. She may not even know you. She did not wear those clothes for you. She does not welcome you. You do not need to look.

She Is A Person

Obsessive looking usually involves objectifying. Notice what you are saying (internally or out loud). “Look at those breasts!” “How about that butt.” “Check out those legs.” The list goes on. Remind yourself that object of your fascination is a person by lending her some humanity. Remember that she is somebody’s daughter, someone’s sister, somebody’s mother. She is somebody. She is not an object.

Noticing when you cross the line and your looking takes on a more obsessive, out of control bent requires both awareness and practical tools and interventions to “snap” yourself out of this particular trance.

Questions about looking at women

Do you still have questions about looking at women? We invite you to ask your questions here. We try to respond personally and promptly to all legitimate concerns about sexually compulsive behaviors.

Why sex addiction isn’t so bad

I’ve been reading the recently published book A Couple’s Guide to Sex Addiction: A Step-By-Step Plan To Rebuild Trust And Restore Intimacy. I love it (I’ll tell you why later). But the key point to the work is that sex addicts do not know how to limit or stop sexual behaviors, and that they use sex to avoid or cope with life stresses. Just like any other addiction. But some time or another, the sex just isn’t enough – it leaves them empty, needing more, and never feeling satisfied. This is why sex addicts repeat compulsive sexual behaviors. And underlying sexual addiction is a fear of intimacy with a real partner.

So why isn’t sex addiction so bad? Because it is definitely treat-able. And if your husband or marriage partner is willing to work on the deeper issues that compel sexual compulsion, you can grow together and experience a marital connection that is deep and satisfying. Although it may take time, and you will need to build trust again, a sex addict who is ready to change CAN CHANGE. And there is hope for a marriage in which both partners support one another in personal growth. Although you may not ever forget infidelity, it is possible to forgive it.

So what is the key to staying together?

Action.

Sex addiction and marriage

If you are just finding out that your husband act out sexually online, with porn, or with other partners, you may not feel compassionate just yet for him. You probably feel a range of thing, but compassion is not one of them.

But if you are both committed to working through infidelity and sex issues and emerging as new people, your marriage can survive. Your connection needs to be strong enough, and you may need a determination to continue with him despite setbacks. But the good news is that sex addiction treatment options are out there.  If you work to understand sex addiction as well as your own personal issues, you can grow. If your husband works to do the same and ALSO commits to limit or stop his sex actions, you can emerge as a different, more intimate couple. How can you do this? I’d suggest you check out A couple’s guide to sex addiction.

A couple’s guide to sex addiction

If you are looking for true guidance for repairing and healing your relationship after sex addiction, I highly recommend the book A Couple’s Guide to Sex Addiction. The authors (who are married, one a former sex addict) have a clinical background in treating couples with marriage problems. In fact, it turns out that sex addiction is not as taboo as you might think. The book is very easy to read is FULL of couples’ stories that you can relate to. This helps you accept the sexual behavior as a symptom of larger issues.

Plus, the book informs and guides you through the shock of finding out your partner is a sex addict. There are multiple MINDFUL exercises that you can do together (and that can help anyone interested in self-growth) that help process the pain and hurt of addiction, as well as identify issues that drive sexually compulsive behavior. Written to HIM and HER, this guide is truly an essential tool in repairing relationships that are damaged by the suffering that sex addiction causes. I will not hesitate to purchase a copy for friends (I know of a couple) who suspect infidelity from their partners or who commit infidelity and want to stop.

Sex addiction and divorce

There are cases, of course, when divorce occurs after sex addiction is found out. Your decision to support a husband who soothes himself with sexual behavior will be based on the strength of your overall relationship. And on his commitment to REAL CHANGE. Some reasons that you may want to end a marriage and get divorced from a sex addict are if:

• you are unable to forgive betrayal or accept the sexual addiction
• your husband is unwilling to stop sexually compulsive behavior
• your relationship lacks a strong foundation or commitment

It is perfectly understandable if you do not want to continue a partnership with a sex addict. In fact, this decision is yours to make. Only you can really know what your tolerance is for others and when it is time to throw in the towel.

Sex addiction, marriage, and divorce questions

Do you have a question about sex addiction and marriage? Please ask it here. We welcome all comments, questions and experiences from married couples who are facing sex addiction. And we will do our best to answer you promptly or refer you to someone who can help.

Dealing with an addict is never easy.  But take a close look at the life of any person struggling with addiction, and you will likely find at least one family member or friend “helping” that person. Somebody making it easier for the addict to continue in the progression of their disease. This behavior is called enabling. The problem is that this form of helping is actually hurting.  And instead of support drug addict, family members end up making the problem worse.

Enabling vs. helping

So how do you know the difference between helping and enabling? Helping is doing something for another person when they are not capable of doing it for themselves. Enabling, on the other hand, is doing things that the person could and should be doing for him or herself. Enabling behavior makes it easier for an addict to continue drinking or using drugs because the consequences aren’t bad enough to convince him or her to stop.  As a result, the addict is neither ready or willing to apply self help for drug addiction.

Top 10 enabling behaviors

Following are the top ten actions that fall under the category of enabling.

1. Taking on the addict’s responsibilities for them. For example, paying their overdue bills, cleaning their house, filling their car with gas, or buying them groceries.

2. Telling lies for the addict, such as ‘calling in sick’ for them when they are actually too hung over to work.

3. Making excuses for the addict’s behavior. Perhaps they act out in public, and you make the excuse that the addict has been working a lot of hours, so their behavior is due to stress.

4. Bailing the addict out of jail or financial difficulty.

5. Finishing a project that the addict failed to complete on his or her own.

6. Cleaning up after the addict. Perhaps they throw a tantrum, throwing things around and breaking them, and you clean it up.

7. Threatening to leave or kick the addict out of your home if he or she uses again, but failing to follow through on your threats.

8. Accepting part of the blame for an addict’s bad behavior.

9. Drinking or using drugs with an addict in an attempt to strengthen the relationship.

10. Avoiding issues that need to be addressed out of fear that the addict will become angry.

What can enablers do to help?

If you see yourself in any of the above examples, you may be enabling an alcoholic or addict. Knowledge is the first step toward positive change. Now that you are aware of these behaviors, you can start to steer yourself away from them, and avoid enabling a loved one’s addiction.

Enabling behavior questions

Do you still have questions about enabling behaviors?  Maybe you’d like to open up and share about your own enabling, or a family member’s addiction.  Please leave your comments and questions here.  We try our best to answer all legitimate queries with a personal and prompt reply.  And if we don’t know the answer, we will refer you to someone who does.

Is porn addiction a real addiction?

For a person who struggles with compulsive sexual behavior (like using online pornography) there is no such thing as a “little” bit of porn. A little bit becomes a whole lot, really quick.

Some people may scoff at the idea of the reality or validity of a porn or sex addiction, but those of us who know what it’s like to get caught by porn, know how addictive it can be. We’re not just talking the average man on the street. If you are reading this words, we just might be talking about you.  How do we know?  We didn’t just go to college and read about sexually compulsive behavior.  We have lived “the life” and gotten over it.

What is a “Little Bit” of Porn?

Why the skepticism about porn and sex addiction? Aren’t men supposed to think about and pursue sex? Don’t all men have a stash of porn or look at online pornography? What makes the distinction between a recreational hobby and an uncontrollable desire?

A porn addict doesn’t know when to say “when.” In fact, as the addict gains awareness they often realize that there is no such thing as a little bit of anything in anything they do. Once absorbed in an activity — like work, a hobby, or pornography —they stay absorbed and have a lot of difficulty in transitioning or shifting gears. All too often here at Compulsion Solutions we hear our clients talking about how they only started “peeking” at porn or had intentions of looking at porn online for just a moment or two before they got back to work. But hours later they realize that they have fallen back into a trap, that their peaking or fantasizing about other women or men has turned into more wasted time, more frustration, and more despair.

Porn Addicts and the “Addict Zone”

We are creatures of comfort and we find comfort in routines. Addicts have predictable patterns and rituals of how and when they act out — unfortunately most of us are not aware of what these are. When we meet clients, we help them to recognize the familiar patterns of how they enter into their “addict zone.”

Common themes for sexually acting out by viewing pornography include:

1. Being alone or creating alone time
2. Having unstructured time
3. Feeling stressed, overwhelmed
4. Feeling like it’s time for a reward or recognition

Make a Plan for the “Addict Zone”

Gaining awareness into the patterns is one thing, but what can you do to actually stop? Speaking to the common themes of being alone and having unstructured time, you need to put structure where there is none. In other words, make a plan. We often call this “book ending” your day with activities and other people. Most addicts isolate and create the necessary space for their acting out behavior (i.e. not following up with other people in either a social or work setting). In noticing this pattern, the addict can recognize the need to both address the need for doing something constructive and enjoyable as well as holding themselves accountable.

Exploring the Deeper Issues of porn use

Simply making plans and creating structure only addresses the surface issues of porn addiction. The feelings beneath the behavior need to be felt, understood, and investigated more deeply. Why is it that feelings like being stressed or overwhelmed trigger the need to use pornography? To self-soothe? To pass the time? To really deepen the work and change on a fuller level, a person who struggles with a porn addiction should consider working with a trained professional like a therapist or counselor who understands addictions and the recovery process.

Help is indeed out there.

Porn addiction questions

Do you have questions about possible porn addiction?  Please leave your questions below.  We try to respond to all legitimate concerns with a personal, prompt and helpful reply.

Comments

• March 10, 2012, Mike South writes: First of all no reputable medical association recognizes sex or porn as an addiction. But let's be honest here. Kick a real addiction, like alcohol, opiates, meth, cocaine, nicotine. Try to get off a real addiction like heroin and then start whining about porn be an "addiction" Real addictions can kill you when you try to kick them and if they dont they will damn sure make you wish you were dead porn is at worst a compulsive and or obsessive behavior NOT an addiction.
• March 10, 2012, Addiction Blog writes: Hi Mike. It sounds like you've been through a tough time of withdrawal and know first hand about opiate addiction. I'll leave the medical definition and debate about the term addiction to the professionals. I don't think that it really matters, actually. Because what is common among all people who act out with substances or behaviors is a deep longing and emptiness. The compulsion and quick fix can be anything. The pain we try to cope with is a human pain, something that we all have the capacity to feel. Just because the form of coping is different does not mean that the process of covering, ignoring or hiding from pain with a fleeting feel good moment isn't the same. So whether or not someone is an "addict" doesn't seem to really be the point. Why does this distinction matter to you?
• March 19, 2012, Allayna writes: Hello George, I cannot say that I am particularly educated on the topic of porn addiction, but as a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology, I was struck by a few points you made in your blog. I appreciate that you tied porn addiction to compulsive behavior found in other domains in one's life, as I imagine addiction is rarely isolated to one area. I also appreciate your assertion that a lack of structure creates space for unwanted behavior--this seems consistent with a cognitive-behavioral theoretical approach. I do wonder, however, what it is about creating that isolation and reward that feels safe? Of course, the answer to this question will vary based on the individual. But it seems valid that what might connect these individual narratives is a sense that one does not deserve the kind of intimacy implicit in the sexual acts portrayed via pornography. Is this something that can be remedied by imposing more structure? As you allude to in the blog, sex is never just sex, and it is likely that the addiction has more to do with the meaning attached to being close to someone than the act itself. Perhaps there is something about the detachment and control over what one is exposed to sexually that feels safer to such a person. There also might be a spiritual/cultural component if sexual activity is confined to certain sanctioned relationships or purposes. For this reason, I would hypothesize that this sort of behavior is more common among those who feel constricted by their culturally-bound beliefs about sexuality. I would also point out that your article focuses exclusively on men. Is this phenomenon limited to men? If so, what protective factors might women have against this particular addiction? Finally, food for thought: What would happen to the number of people addicted to porn if we removed socioculturally-constructed shame around sexuality from the equation?
• March 19, 2012, Mike South writes: The difference is you are trying to pharma-cologize sex, If you want to be taken seriously over the long haul call it what it is, not what it isn't. As "House" would say "It doesn't fit". Ever hear about the little boy who cried "Wolf"?
• March 23, 2012, George Collins writes: Hi Allayna, Good to hear from you and thanks for both your feedback and own observations about this topical topic. I'll do my best to address your questions. What I see most regarding the creation of space to act out (isolation/reward, i.e.) is based on the routine or familiarity specific to that person. For example, a porn addict needs the opportunity to act out and therefore will isolate themselves to create that opportunity. Not following up with friend or family; finding reasons to work from home while their spouse is at work. Porn addicts don't simply fall into unstructured, alone time-they usually create it. The reward aspect is something I see too in that porn addict may feel less guilty if they act out after taking care of a big project or responsibility. As you point out, it depends on the individual's habits and schemas. Though this short piece focuses exclusively on men (straight men no less) by no means is this solely a man's issue. The bulk of female clients are usually coaddicts but we do see a fair share of female sex and love addicts. To address that, would require a whole new article as men and women do approach this behavior differently and we treat it differently. I invite you to visit our website and see some of the information there. Good question on shame. What indeed? A paradigm shift in that this becomes somewhat "normal?" I'd like to hear your thoughts more on that one.
• March 25, 2012, Mike South writes: funny how you ignore the elephant in the room You won't find sex addiction in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Because it isn't an addiction.....
• April 18, 2012, Marilyn Kegley writes: Personallity, I think sex and porn addictions are serious and real addiction problems. An addiction to these two can ruin a person's life. I believe these can be both be deadly as well. A sex addiction can increase a person's risk for contracting a deadly STD and both can inflict mental and emotional pain, which could lead to suicide. There are even treatment programs available for those battling these problems.
• May 3, 2012, sd writes: Am suffering with this problem for the past so many years.Years have passed on, the way I wanted to lead life has gone astray.I am stuck.Stuck with the melancholy mood almost always. For me porn addiction is real.And also the other post which talked about 'Looking at women wrong or cheating'. Days have translated into years in the pursuit of these two addictive behaviors.Days upon days I traveled in buses;each time desperately craving and creating that opportunity of groping the women in the buses. A promising career as far as I can feel has been made to languish. Even now I am writing this after indulging in 'that last time this time around' porn viewing. What shall I do?
• May 9, 2012, Addiction Blog writes: Hello sd. It sounds like you may be at a healthy turning point if you are really willing to make a change and start trying new thoughts and behaviors. My first suggestion would be to try to find a psychotherapist or counselor who specializes in compulsive sexual behavior. You can check the IITAP sex counselor directory here: http://www.iitap.com/promote-your-services/sex-therapist-directory Otherwise, you can start reading more about sex addiction and look into books on Amazon to begin self-help strategies. Are you in an intimate relationship with a partner at the moment?
• May 10, 2012, sd writes: Yes I am married.And the equation between both of us is also good.And I have got two wonderful children.And I am from Hyderabad,India. Since the time I wrote those two posts and after reading the material on your website I am trying to inculcate the gist of the matter into my routine.I can say that there is an improvement in my behavior.Would like to carry it forward.
• May 10, 2012, Addiction Blog writes: Hi sd. I'd suggest the book A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction. The author of this article wrote the book and it's very good! Please let me know if you need help finding the book. It may be available online, or ordered through Amazon.

Are you ready to take control of cravings to use?

Read on for five (5) practical ideas on how to cope with urges and cravings after you have decided to abstain from drugs and alcohol. Plus, where to find more information on managing cravings and strategies to prevent drug relapse. We invite your questions, comment and feedback at the end.

Cravings are normal

Everyone who’s engaged in addictive behavior will experience uncomfortable cravings (“I want it badly”) and urges (“I have to do it now”). They are normal. But fortunately, they always pass with time. At the outset of recovery, they can be pretty intense, but each one will subside if you can wait it out and have a plan for relapse prevention.  Cravings and urges will decrease in strength and frequency over time. You can make this happen by adopting some coping strategies that work best for you.

Learning to resist cravings

For many people, urges and cravings to use drugs or alcohol trigger automatic response. They are without conscious thought. I want [fill in the blank]. I get it. Learning to say NO to these intense ingrained desires is one of the biggest challenges in recovery. But the good news is that you can understand them and learn to resist them.

In fact, “Coping with Urges and Cravings” is Point 2 of the SMART Recovery 4-Point Program®. The SMART Recovery Handbook has collected nearly two dozen strategies for dealing with them. Some of the approaches that work best for many are summarized with the easy-to-remember acronym DEADS – as in “Combat Urges DEADS.” Each letter stands for a useful approach:

D = Delay. The mental activities of cravings and urges disappear over time unless you actively maintain them with your attention. Given time, they will run their course and disappear. If they aren’t gone in 10-15 minutes, then chances are you are still exposed to the stimulus that cued the urge in the first place. Just don’t give in no matter how bad the urge is and it will pass. All the urges you have ever had have passed. Once you have denied an urge, you know you can do it again and again. And after a short time, there will be fewer cravings and the ones you have will diminish in intensity. Waiting them out is a great step to recovery.

E = Escape. Just leave or get away from the urge provoking situation. Run away from it. Leave the pub so that you can stop staring at the beer taps. Leave the supermarket where all the bottles of wine are so nicely displayed. If there’s an alcohol ad on TV, switch the channel. Just the act of escaping the trigger will focus your mind on something new – which will quickly lessen the urge.

A = Accept. Put your urges and cravings into perspective by understanding that they are normal and will pass. It’s important in the recovery process to learn to accept discomfort. It won’t “kill” you and will be gone pretty quickly. You’ll feel good about what you’re learning and achieving.

D = Dispute. If you’ve worked through the ABC or DISARM exercises, you may have developed a rational “Effective new belief” or counter statement to help you attack your (irrational) urges and cravings. These exercises help you productively diagnose past addictive situations and develop useful tactics for disputing them when they occur again – which will help them pass much more quickly.

S = Substitute. When you get an urge, quickly substitute a thought or activity that’s more beneficial or fun. Take a walk or any other form of exercise. Pick up something new to read or turn on something to listen to. The possibilities to substitute (and lessen the craving more quickly) are endless. Think about and write down some possibilities to you have a list on hand when an urge occurs. Then just pick one to employ an effective response.

Questions about urges and cravings?

Thanks to our colleagues at SMART Recovery UK for some of these ideas. I hope they help you to find ways to say NO to your urges and cravings. If you need help with a current craving, or have a comment…please leave us a message below. We try to respond to all legitimate queries with a personal and prompt response.

By Dolores Cloward, SMART Recovery® Online Volunteer

If you are looking for help with addiction and ready for stop gambling self help or self help for alcoholism, SMART Recovery Online is a wonderful place to start.  The program is based on evidence-based, scientific best practices in psychology today. Here, you can find community. SMART Recovery also offers practical tools to help you think your way through what you want and how to go about it. And, like other addiction recovery programs, SMART Recovery is free and accessible from home. It may be the only resource you need!

The SMART Recovery 4-Point Program® offers tools and techniques for:

1. Building and maintaining motivation to address addiction related issues

2. Coping with urges

3. Managing thoughts, feelings and behaviors

4. Living a balanced life

What is SMART Recovery?

SMART Recovery is a non-profit that offers tools for addiction recovery based on the latest scientific research. The SMART Recovery website is an international community which includes free, self-empowering, science-based mutual help groups in online forums and meetings.

How do I get involved?

Inform yourself – From the main web page, you can watch a introductory video, and feel free to browse around! There are links to tools, articles, local meetings, SMART’s Blog, Podcasts, as well as SMART international and regional websites. Last but not least, please visit SMART’s vibrant online community.

Join the community – To join our online community, just click on Online Resources and follow directions to register. You must register to join because we take our members’ privacy and confidentiality seriously. Once registered you will be taken to the main page where you will see a number of different forums. There is a Welcome area, a main Discussions area, Tool areas, Specialized and Support forums, and Social forums (Opinions and Creative Endeavors), all featuring thoughtful, encouraging and lively conversation. There are no rules about where to go, but if you introduce yourself in the Welcome area, volunteers and members can easily find you and will respond with lots of useful information, links, and welcoming words to help you get started.

Attend online meetings – If you would like to attend online meetings, there is a daily list of meetings right at the top left of every page. From any message board page, you will see a blue bar called “SMART Meetings and Chat,” on the top left of the page. Once you click through, you will be presented with a list of rooms you can enter. The meeting rooms are opened shortly before each meeting starts and are not accessible at other times. The meetings follow the SMART Recovery meeting format. Attendance verification is provided upon request. The meetings are lively and informative and run by trained facilitators. There is focused practice with helpful tools as well as loads of room for discussion and feedback. We think this is peer support at its best – open yet guided.

Chat room – If you like the idea of hanging out and chatting with others who all are working toward the same goal – choosing what’s best for their lives – come make some casual friends, find camaraderie, and enjoy the benefits of readily available caring support, join us in the 24/7 Chat Room. It can be accessed from the same list as the meetings. It is at the top of the list and is called the “SMART Chat Room.”

SMART tools – There are many other resources available, but let’s not forget the most important one! All SMART Tools can be found in the cheerful Purple Toolbox on the right of every message board screen. These tools form the core of what SMART Recovery offers people so they can help themselves.

Questions about treatment support from home?

Do you have any more questions about accessing the SMART Recovery program from home? We will be glad to help. Please leave your questions below, and we will do our best to respond to them in a personal and prompt reply.

In sum, SMART Online offers a full complement of tools, venues and friendly, supportive people, all in one place. It is entirely your choice how you would like to put together these and other resources to create a solid recovery directly tailored for you. We hope you will join us. Come. Discover the power of choice.

Comments

• February 8, 2012, Cara Lanohear writes: I was curious, I read in the description that the site offers podcasts. Would that be comparable to a "virtual meeting" where we could all see each other or just videos on support?
• February 8, 2012, Addiction Blog writes: Hi Cara. I believe that the podcasts are pre-recorded audio files that you download and listen to on your computer or mobile device. Are you looking for a virtual meeting?
• February 8, 2012, Shari Allwood writes: Cara, our current podcasts are from "special events" and on interesting topics that are related to recovery. Kindly visit here: http://smartrecovery.libsyn.com/. Even for our online meetings, we aren't able to provide cameras to "see" one another, but we offer online voice meetings and text-only meetings. The podcasts are audio files of special events. There are some great topics and the speakers are excellent!

Are you addicted to a state of mind?

We experience different states of consciousness every day. At work, we must stay “on,” stay focused, respond carefully, etc. At home, we like to “zone out,” to not be “on,” to relax. We also all enjoy a different state of consciousness: sleep.

But at other times, many of us also like something very different from both our “on,” focused, responsible state. Some chemicals and activities help us achieve that state, e.g., alcohol, skiing, sex, internet gaming, dancing, etc. For many people, these result in wonderful states of consciousness, and they manage not to overdo them or get addicted to them. But supposing you are not so lucky and become dependent or addicted.

The dopamine rush

Modern neuroscience suggests that we all need a certain level of dopamine to feel okay. With dopamine, we act; without it, we don’t. Too much or too little can be a problem. Novelty, challenge, alcohol, sex, cocaine, chocolate…all lead to a spritz of dopamine (or a tsunami). Even just thinking about doing something that has led to pleasing feelings in the past will cause dopamine to be released…and then action may follow, but not always good action. And if you blitz your dopamine system too often, only that drug or activity may “ring your bell.” This is why vitamins for drug detox include C Vitamins, which  can stimulate the production of dopamine, often naturally low after prolonged substance use.

So what are some alternatives to addictive behaviors?

Steps to living healthy

1. Accept the gap.

If you continually get in trouble with a particular chemical or activity, you will have to accept the “gap.” There is a gap between what you want to do in the short-run and what you can do, without messing up your life. And you can make things worse by demanding that that gap go away or not exist.

2. Set goals.

You won’t give up a favorite state of consciousness – something you like very, very much – without having a larger or more important goal that you want even more…or perhaps many goals, for example, good relationships, meaningful work, and the ability to have fun doing other things like fishing or cooking.

3. Do what is good for you.

What “rings your bell” or “lifts your spirits” but does not wreck your life? Those are the things you should do more of. Some give an immediate lift (music). Others, like relationships, yield their lift at various times and places. The lift is not so immediate and apparent but no less important. You can sense what lifts your spirits. Initially, partly because you have whacked your dopamine system and it will take time to repair itself, nothing may ring your bell. But, given some time, you can watch which activities lead to a richer, more enjoyable life and which lead to more chaos and misery.

4. Expect down times.

Nothing will work all of the time. Why do Americans think they should be happy all or most of the time? Our moods are like the weather. There are gray days and stormy days, as well as sunny days. So find other ways to lift your spirits, spritz your spritzer and lift your dopamine levels. At the same time, resist your demand to close the gap. Where is the evidence that you can’t stand it! And why is it so horrible that your mood is gray in the first place?

Change and acceptance

And, paraphrasing a prayer by Neibuhr for those who do not believe in a “Higher Power”:

May we learn how to change the things we can change, how to accept the things that we cannot change and how to cultivate the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the challenge. When we accept it, we will feel better – not always, but often.

Comments

• January 29, 2012, Danielle Drake writes: Hi Smart Recovery! This was a very well written useful article. I thank you for taking some time to share various ways addicts can be happy in their recovery. I look forward to reading more posts from you. Thank you~
• February 7, 2012, Anna writes: Great advice. I have some more suggestios: : 1 Embrace your addiction like it is a living part of you ( it is) Keep it close to your heart like a small snake. Handle the cravings ( yes, there will be cravings) by recognizing the snake's stirring. You own it. You control it. I call my addiction Beloved. She is a small part of the whole, where she used to be everything, I believe that personifying a condition gives the rational mind a chance to deal with the devastating memories. 2 Find another thing to be passionate about. If I haden't had a deadline to pass a physical for immigration, I would be dead today- there are hardly any old junkies, Immigration was the one passion that lived een farther down in my psyche and drove me furiously,through cold turkey and the following weeks. It is in the end about our choices. We are not helpless and disabled, even in the darkest hours of addiction. 3. Do for others as soon as you can. Human beings achieve the highest level of fulfillment by being in service to others. These are the things that I learned in 38 years of sobriety,
• February 8, 2012, Addiction Blog writes: Thank you for your suggestions, Anna!