Do sex addicts hate women?

Sex addicts can be men or women and can identity as being gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, or transgender. But do heterosexual men who are sex addicts have particular attitudes towards women? We explore here.

minute read

Heterosexual male attitudes
Although people of any sexual orientation or identity can experience and recover from sexual addiction, we will explore the attitudes of heterosexual males towards women in this brief review. And although compulsive sexual behavior can occur in both men and women, it’s most common in men. But first, it is important to understand the characteristics of sex addiction. Then we can explore the particular triggers that set off male sex addicts to act out risky or abusive sexual behaviors.

Characteristics of sex addiction
The main characteristics of sex addiction are the same as in any addiction. It is important to note here that sex addicts often experience pain and remorse after engaging in sexual behavior…and that acting out sexually may ot may NOT be accompanied by pleasure. The three main characteristics of sex addiction are:

1. Preoccupation or obsession with sex
2. Compulsion
3. Continued behavior despite negative consequences

What drives heterosexual male sex addicts?
Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, a sex addict is driven by self-gratification, a need to escape negative thoughts or emotions (anger, low self-esteem, loneliness, fear). These motivations can translate into a desire for power or control, but are mainly motivated by anger or fear.

Ways men can act out toward women
Sex addicts can act out in ways that go against their underlying values and beliefs. In many ways, a sex addict suffers for these actions and cannot resolve the compulsion to act with a desire to stop. Types of acting out sexual behaviors can include:

  • avoidance of emotional connection with sex partners
  • exhibitionism
  • fixating on a sex partner that you cannot have
  • frequent anonymous or casual sex
  • frequent sex outside of primary relationships
  • having sex without consent (sexual assault)
  • having sex with prostitutes
  • masochistic or sadistic sex
  • multiple affairs

How sex addicts can get treatment
If you suspect that you or a loved one is a sex addict, you can first assess yourself by asking yourself a few questions about sex addiction. Then, you should seek a professional evaluation from a doctor, psychiatrist or psychologist who can help provide a medical diagnosis of a compulsive disorder. Treatment for compulsive sexual behavior exhibited by sex addicts usually includes psychotherapy, medications, self-help groups or a combination of all three.

Have you experienced emotional, physical or mental pain from a partner you suspect is a sex addict? What did you do about it? Or have you acted out towards women as a misogynist at some time?  How did you resolve issues of sexuality and emotional need?  Please share your experiences, feedback and comments below.

Reference sources: Mayo Clinic website “Compulsive sexual behavior” topic
About the author
Lee Weber is a published author, medical writer, and woman in long-term recovery from addiction. Her latest book, The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions is set to reach university bookstores in early 2019.


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  1. I discovered my husband of 28 years was a sex addict when the Ashley Madison hack occurred.
    The logs of his activity on Ashley Madison showed that not only was he going online for cyber chat at home but he also was doing this on his company computer. In fact most of his cyber chat occurred when he was at work. One log Dec. 29 showed him online from 10 in the morning until 4;30 when he left to come home. I’m outraged and shocked that not only did he violate his marriage but he also placed his families financial security in jeopardy because of his addiction…of course his behavior is the very definition of an addiction. He is highly secretive and a frequent liar. Red flags appeared when we were dating as he would lie about his families occupations and his major in University. Being young and naive I thought he was simply insecure concerning the vast difference between his economic background them mine. I felt very sorry for him. These types of people look for people who are kind and sympathetic. They need to manipulate others due to their own low self esteem. Many have a narcotic personality as well which I think he may suffer from. He often perceives a false view of himself and how he performs in social or interview situations. Always saying how he thinks things went really well when in fact they have not. He has gone for a number of interviews in the past and never ever landed one position. The only positions at a professional level that he has been selected as the successful candidate where for positions where the people knew my father who is very prominent and well known in his field. But in my husbands mind he thinks he is so “amazing” and intelligent that everyone is impressed with him! Not at all so…sex addicts lie to us but they also lie to themselves…part of saving their fragile egos.

  2. I have been married to my husband for 18 years. AT first, he seemed to be a kind, supportive, helpful, friendly man.
    Soon, I noticed that he would “blow up” at seemingly little things, a lawn mower that did not start well, a light bulb that was difficult to change. He did not directly “blow up” at me, nor at my children.
    His tolerance level for any frustration continued to increase. He traveled as a consultant, and increasingly any “irregular” act threw him into a rage (a delayed flight, a seat change, bad weather).
    He became increasingly passive-aggressive, and my son and I were becoming more overwhelmed around him. After discovering his sex addiction, he went into a rage cycle, and now, two years later, he is still essentially in the same rage cycle.
    After 7 months of this hysterical behavior, and physically threatening me, I told him that he had to leave the house until he could manage his rage and abuse.

    He started online dating, again, and he was involved with many, many women. I withdrew from direct contact with him, but he would cycle and threaten me, stalk me. He had many sexual affairs, and cycled through women quickly.
    He then began an intensive sexual/emotional affair with a woman, and his brain seems foggy, as if intoxicated, any time I hear his voice on the phone.

    I am preparing to file for divorce. I gave up on his ever getting well.

  3. My soon to be husband is an E.R physician here in Macomb Michigan. We have been married for 21 years. In the beginning of our marriage, I received a phone call from the hospital that my husband was working at that he overdosed. He was removing used syringes from Sharpe’s containers in the O.R This man rarely drank alcohol. I had no idea he was an i.v drug abuser until I received that phone call.He was sent away out of state for 6 months of long turn treatment. I believe he has been sober since. In April of 2010 I discovered he was secretly watching pornography in the basement in the middle of the night as I slept. He admitted this had been going on for 5 years. Again, highly secretive. His excuse was that I was not intimate with him enough and the pornography was just a means because he would never cheat. My angry turned to guilt and since I have been intimate with him on a nightly bases. On Aug 27th,2013 I discovered he was engaged in an extra marital affair with a nurse he works with in the E.R. I moved his belongings out and told him to lawyer up. This man was always loving and attentive. I did notice an emotional disconnect during sex. It was very mechanical. Never intimate. He is highly deceptive and secretive. He portrays himself as a loving and attentive husband yet he leads a double life in secrecy. He’s “extremely” manipulative and highly skilled at lying. All the puzzle pieces finally are falling into place. I have chosen to divorce him because he continues to endanger my life with his reckless and selfish behavior. Every memory I have cherished was all based on lies. My whole marriage was a sham…a front to hide his sex addiction. I’m in pain and I cry a lot now but I would rather get through the pain then still be in it in the future. I wish the best for all of you who are hurting.

  4. To Cindy, who wants to know if her husband “will ever be happy with just me?” I have a comment. I am a full-blown sex addict, so at the very least perhaps my perspective will be of use. Sex addicts were unhappy before they became addicted to sex. Addictions do not develope because otherwise happy people accidentally stumble onto them, like a person stepping on a nail. Addictions develop when unhappy people finally find something that makes them happy, and then life comes along and says “you still have to deal with me!” Dealing with life after finding something that makes you happy is what addiction really is. Your husband is unhappy. Take away whatever sexual activity he is using to comfort himself and he will still be unhappy. You sound unhappy too, which is not surprising. One of the reasons I am and addict is because I believe that any sane, intelkigent person must be terribly unhappy, bcause life is actually a terrible thing from which there is no real escape. Even death is just an illusion.

  5. I am concerned because my husband of 30yrs is a sex addict. He was sexually abused as a young boy. He has never acted out with women always with the same sex. What is the probability that he is gay or bisexual. He says he is not. He is in treatment and going to SA. States he will never go there again. I’m not confident that he can promise that. Will he ever be happy with just me? He says he never stopped loving me. But I can’t live without trust. I am angry, confused, shocked, and scared.

  6. Richard, totally get what you’re saying. I got tired of feeling like a puppy/little boy too. Recently left a relationship (with a man), one of our problems was that he didn’t want s*x nearly a third as often as I did. I don’t really believe this sex addiction stuff. It is still controversial even among professionals. Should I say my ex-partner was “well” and I was “ill” because he can happily get away with masturbating once or twice times a month whereas I can’t concentrate as well if I don’t at least 1 time a day? Is that logical? There are real differences in s*x drive, and between men and women’s sex drives also I’m sure. It’s not okay to assault someone, or to commit s*xual crimes, of course. I’m not advocating that, it’s every person’s responsibility to take care of their own needs and respect other’s bodies. I think people who won’t accept their partners using porn*graphy or mast*rbation are ridiculous. It’s a puritan mindset that is itself a pathology.

  7. regarding someones comment here “hookers are the only honest women”,,, this is said by men who are in AA,,, they have alcohol addictions,,, and they love seeing prostitutes. It seems to be another addiction.
    A man needs to have addl. interests besides sex. Because his GF or wife does not want to have sex as frequently as he – is no excuse or justification to cheat. the sex addict needs to apprecaite their partner for more than sex and outside physical beauty.
    And a man needs to have some moral compass within himself to reign in unacceptable behavior.

  8. I don’t think I’m a sex addict. I just want it a lot more often than my wife does. She was great when we first got married and then over the years she just kept cutting me down. 5 times a week went to 3 then 2 and now I’m lucky if I get laid twice a month. When we were dating it was all the time and I masturbated too. She knew this when she married me then SHE Changed Not me Her!!!! I love her but I can’t take this anymore. I am not a little boy or a puppy that must beg for treats. I am a MAN and I deserve a woman. My dad said, look son you are going to pay for it one way or another and now I’m thinking that the only HONEST WOMEN out there are the ones that charge up front. I try to be faithful to my wife, and now I have to keep secrets from her because she wouldn’t understand. I stay up late “working” and I am checking out the porn sites, Backpage, LosAngelesAdult, Slutload, etc. She just doesn’t understand me and I cant explain it to her.

  9. I can honestly say that i was a victim of it before,my husband is a SA. it’s very difficult to handle a problem like this but with the help of people around us we get through it,

I am ready to call
i Who Answers?